Happy Birthday Daddio

I miss you.

I miss you so much it hurts. It hurts pretty much every day still.

Everyone told me the first year is the hardest and I sure hope that's true. If this goes on for much longer I might actually go crazy.

It's silly to see what makes me cry these days, some are expected and some seem so random. Suns games on TV. Chili's. Hallmark commercials about Dads and daughters. Christmas PJ's arriving in stores. Tim Allen shows just about put me over the edge. I saw Andes mints displayed next to cashews in the grocery store and nearly lost it.

I miss getting your calls. I'm so sorry I didn't always answer. I wish I'd been better about having my phone with me. I wish I'd been better about a lot of things. I saved a bunch of your messages though. It's so wonderful and painful every time I go through them. I have two or three birthday messages, those are the best. I even have the Happy Birthday Logan message. I really need to find a way to get those off my phone and someplace safe.

I worry about forgetting your voice sometimes. And your smile. And your laugh. And your "Grandma Jarman" face. I even miss your evil eye. Isn't funny how that happens? I'd take a billion evil eyes from you just to get one more hug. I know I'll get another, but it breaks me a little to think how long I'll have to wait.

I finally had a dream with you in it this week. It was a stupid dream really, but incredible too. We weren't doing anything special, I don't even remember what but that's what made it so nice. It was all of us. All together. I was so mad when I had to wake up.

I'm so excited to see everyone after Christmas, but I'm also really scared. I think it'll be too real again. Having Christmas without you in the world seems somewhat wrong and yet I can only imagine how mad you'd be if we tried to skip it. I'm trying to remember every single tradition you loved so at least once a year I can try to make sure my kids really KNOW you.

That's probably what breaks my heart the most. You knew Logan and you loved him. I loved seeing your proud face every time you saw him. But he won't remember you. Each child after this won't even meet you here and that makes me hurt. You were such a great Papa. I'm sad they'll miss out on that.

I get really sad Dad. I don't know how to deal with all of this sometimes. I didn't know how much I'd hurt, how often I'd miss you. Sometimes I feel like there is a hole inside of me and I don't know how to fill it back up. Stay close Daddy, I still need you and I don't know what to do when I do. Watch over my babies. Keep us near. I love you so much. I didn't mean to get so mopey here. I still think about you all the time and I swear it's not always sad. I remember you Dad. I talk to Kimbal and Logan about you. I love you. Happy Birthday Daddy!